afterwords
a collection of words, images, and sound
by Finley Tevlin
Then and Now
If mountains have majesty
canyons have mystery;
Negative space.
Slithering through overlain ridges,
ruffled like an oriental fan
they coyly mask the blue eyes of the river.
Frothing with uncollected excitement
It parades defiantly through sun-baked grasses
Stridently over rapids and riffles
Surreptitiously through eddies and bends
Secretively in the undercurrent.
Joining hands, spritely streams and bouncing brooks
dive down side canyons and over the banks
Sharing their stories in colorful sediment and discarded boulders.
The river hardly notices.
High up on the rim, the rushing fades
and the wind reigns,
Murmuring incantations over tall grasses
and other stubborn homesteaders.
Lone pines on watch from their parapets
Cast a wary gaze on cautiously grazing deer
While a jay cockily glides over chard-grey trunks
And butterflies and nameless specks flutter between wildflowers, like fairies silently spreading playful magic.
Colors drain downstream
Their vibrancy first inflated by the setting sun
Then leeched by the dusk.
It is only a pause.
Hopeful stars peek out from deepening blue heavens
But their brightness is stunted
as moonrise brings second day
and all is alive again in silvery luster.
The cliffs bear witness
Assembled like the house of lords
Their eyes shut
as they slowly nod in agreement to the canyon's song.
Between long breaths,
I hear it sung.
An ode to a master
A truth disguised as riddle
A sentence:
Then
And now
Then
And now...
Fluke
A fluke of the stars
A moon turned red
How it happens, I can't say
But it's here before us
A fluke of the clouds
Mists shift into crisp composition
Someone may explain
To me it's still magic
A fluke of words
Random phrases read profound
The meaning I must invent
Yet it seems obvious
A fluke of friends
Unexpected acquaintance
I couldn't say it was meant to happen
But here we are
I try to be guided by reason- it serves me well.
But this I cannot understand
Nor do I wish to
A pleasant hallucination
Let it play out
And still my mind gurgles;
What are these shivers in my spine?
Who is this in my arms?
Was it here all along?
Where are we falling?
Still
A warm soreness cradles my heart.
May Day
May Day
Happy May Day
Passing out flowers in the street
Only strangers until we meet
Happy May Day
Take this token of peace and good will
No, no donation is suggested
Happy May Day
Smiles eternal
What fool is this?
Smiles eternal
Happy May Day
Here, it's for you
My hands are full
I'll put it in your hair, it suits you
We're all flowers in the garden of the sun
Happy May Day
Whose flowers are these?
They're ours to share
If you pluck them they'll wilt
So will we, if we haven't already
Happy May Day
Are you with the coalition?
This is a celebration
Do you have a petition?
It's the turning of the season
Happy May Day
They must be stoned
I think it's beautiful
Maybe they're Jesus freaks
Do they look like they'd hurt you?
Happy May Day
Get these peddlers off the lawn
It's May Day, have you gotten yours?
What are you doing? Why are you here?
Can't say. What's your purpose?
I'm out of flowers, I think I should kiss him.
Get your hands off me
Don't be upset
This is social unrest!
This is love at its best!
You're under arrest!
May Day!
May Day!
May Day
Ask Your Questions Now
'Ask your questions now,' said the wise woman; 'we may not be around much longer.'
'Ask your questions now,' echoed the old growths of the forest; 'We may not be standing much longer. '
'Ask your questions now,' spun the water of the river's eddy; we may not flow wildly much longer.'
'All your questions now,' whispered the tall grasses of the prairie; 'we may not blow fleely much longer.'
'Ask your questions now,' roared the surf along the shore; 'we may not break endlessly much longer.'
'Ask your questions now,' loomed the bare rock of the mountains; 'we may not rest firmly much longer.'
'Ask your questions now,' twinkled the stars; 'we may not shine brightly much longer.'
And as the smoke-crimson sun set through the charred trees, I remembered being asked, 'what was my greatest fear?'
I recall, it wasn't the endless black of night, or the jagged cliffs of the mountain. It wasn't the frothing of the ocean's waves nor the panic of the prairie's wide reach. It wasn't the ghostly shapes of the dark wood, or the pulling current of the river, nor any of those things.
It was the loss of my elders and all which they had yet to tell. Only then I did not know I had far more ancestors than the few who shared my name.
Could I have foreseen this tragedy?
In perplexed regret for things yet undone, I gaze into the etching of time, written in the canyon, down the valley, and along the coast. Will I be a motherless child? Without land or tradition?
I am rewarded not answer, only company in dying moments.
Lover's Meditation
Find yourself in a quiet moment.
You are in solitude but you are not alone.
You are loved.
Let me tell you how to feel it:
Close your eyes.
Focus on your lips.
Recall the sensation of your lover's lips parting from yours.
Wait until you can feel the tingling.
Focus on your hands.
Recall the sensation of your lover's hand in yours.
Wait until you can feel its warmth, how it fits in yours.
Focus on the hair on your head.
Recall the sensation of your lover's hands stroking your hair,
from the top of your forehead down your scalp to the back of your head, slowly, repeatedly, from top to bottom.
Wait until you feel tingles simmer across your scalp.
Focus on your chest.
Recall the sensation of your lover's head resting there.
Wait until you feel its weight rise and fall with each breath.
Focus on your whole body.
Recall the feeling of being together in perfect silence.
Let yourself surrender. Give in to it.
There is nothing more than this.
This is peace.
Feel it in your heart.
It belongs to you.
It belongs to them.
It belongs to all of us.
Take another breath and as you exhale, let the feeling out, slowly, emanating it around you;
to all the beings in your immediate surroundings
to all the beings in this area
to all the beings in the region
to all the beings on the continent
to all the beings of the oceans
to all the beings that are earth.
Let it reflect, the waves rolling back to you.
With your next inhale, breath in the love from the whole earth
from where your body touches the ground.
Breath in until you are full.
Now you are love.
You are made of the same stuff as everything else.
It has always been there, and never will go.
Now you know how to find it.
A Lie, A Memory
Matted grey sky
Through warped single panes
Dull light falling though
Standing at the wooden alcove
Little me
Hands on the window seat
I had told a lie in a home that wasn't mine.
Waiting for my playmate or his parents to respond
I relished in the drama and fantasy
My mother wasn't dead.
But I liked the feeling.
It felt important.
* * *
I remember venus drawings and his older sister
His back yard and balding father
The narrow carpeted stairs to the basement
And our coon-skin caps watching Davy, Davy Crockett,
King of the wild frontier.
There was hot wheels, ping pong and soda at the birthday party.
"It's a special occasion" said my father
As he and the other fathers smoked cigars
On the mossy, concrete patio.
Nothing felt very special about it.
The boy did not seem older.
He never will.
I haven't seen him for years.
For all I know, he's still screaming in circles through the house.
And I am still a liar.
Shall We Dance?
'Do you wanna dance?'
I could not move, would not move
'C'mon, dance!' They urged
Dragging me onto the floor, eyes on my body, expected to move, to be graceful
How could I? Frozen with fear
No one showed me how
To let myself go
To find god
Though I knew it all along
Wasn't that against the rules?
One must maintain one's composure
Adhere to logic!
Sit straight, don't be silly...
But I wanted to dance--
Dance to the day when we twirled ourselves into ecstasy,
When we stomped to the rhythm of our ancestors,
Enacted mystic visions as sermons of movement,
Echoed calls of the wilderness and became our masked cousins,
Pierced our skin and let the ghosts animate us until exhaustion ripped our flesh and we were cleansed.
Instead, we were brought to the darkened gymnasium.
Teachers watching over our shoulders while we huddled in circles of nervous desire
Rubbing each other to commercialized fantasies
The stereo pumping sadistic serum into our ears.
Contrived courtships conceived of for the night; we pre-pubescent partners holding each other at arms length.
What would it feel like?
I wanted to know
But could not bare the sight.
Curtains drawn and door closed
Headphones in and blindfolded--
I could not even watch myself
Probing
Slowly
Then faster
And faster
And freer-- caught!
in the act
Stunned, ashamed, and
back into the form
My form
My shell
* * *
A casual affair
Loosened with liquor
Crowded, eyes averted
The program's motions
Rhythmic tension
Building
Louder, faster
Reaching
The point
The climax
The ultimate
The instant, passed
So shortly grasped
Then lost
And again,
Searching
Tension
Peak
Release
Broken
Violated
Empty
There was nothing shared
Only taken.
Is this it?
What it was all about?
All the songs
All night long...
There must be something missing.
Lost somewhere long ago
The unity split
Sacred and taboo
Knowledge and passion
Love and lust
* * *
This absurd game
I thought
Rules written by blind fools
On a herd-path of affirmation.
There was only one way out
Freedom by mockery;
To tear it asunder from the inside out
Face the mirror at medusa
Look! While I tread the air and knead the floor
My muscles tight in ladies' clothes
I will strut my stuff
And sweat my scent
Unhinged and reckless
The perfect object of desire
Who is mad now?
Somehow
I learned to emote wordlessly
And I was free
* * *
Shall we dance?
I asked of her.
Be my dakini
And in yab-yum
The silent volumes of wisdom flowing between us
We convene that which was lost.
Beyond speech;
Teachings uncovered through touch
Molecular memory born of motion
Our autonomy dissolved
Our celebration of impermanence
A truth known only to the embodied.
Day
Light
Sound
Head
Up
Walk
Water
Oats
Pants
Laces
Buckle
Bike
Road
Sky
Houses
Lawns
Fences
Faces
Words
Pencil
Pages
Listen
Write
Wrong
Memory
Time
Escape
Door
Hallway
Piss
Air
Bread
Soup
Money
Path
Work
Wait
Watch
Back
Home
Wash
Sit
Book
Screen
Number
Type
Save
Rice
Radio
Beans
Bowl
Table
Dark
Clean
Shit
Friend
Late
Respond
Bed
Roll
Lay
Think
Day
(Untitled)
It would be a shame to let this day pass
without allowing a moment to notice it.
The dusk hung weakly
and in the hills the overgrown roads wound over stone walls laced with thorns.
Deep pillows of ash lay in pale circles around burned roots.
The coals of the burned-out sky fixed their glare upon me and held the instant so it could not budge. Cornered and unable to ignore it, I stared back into death's eyes.
The killer's in my lungs. I can feel him waiting.
What a shame it is, even if I can accept him, my absence would still bring pain to the world.
Too many roots to tear to leave without a trace.
Still, something about giving in reminds me of love.
How else would I have known I'd lived?
Nowhere
There is something out there
Where you call 'nowhere'
I know it's out there.
I almost caught it.
Its tracks in the sand on dirt roads that loose their way and evaporate like dry creek beds.
Its shape disappearing over the next ridge, sliding through the crisp crack of the horizon.
Its breath on the empty words of the wind that ramble on through starless nights.
Somewhere past the towns who forgot their own names--
those abandoned outposts on oblivion's edge--
The white on the map, where distance and time do not apply,
so irreverent to human life that we all but gave up on it.
So far from a place you would call somewhere, the path becomes a tightrope, and your breath quivers to think how the silence would swallow a call for help.
Its emptiness pulls me.
Like light past a black hole
or a droplet past a whirlpool.
I could be perverse,
obsessed to find the virgin land
just out of man's reach.
I could be disturbed,
enough to find in all man's creations ironic tragedy,
and in all he leaves behind a blemish upon the soil.
Or otherwise I'm another lost soul who'll find himself just before they find me,
half frozen, half shriveled, with a smile dried to my skull.
But out there, there's no one to say so.
Your only right is opposite left, the only law holds your feet to the ground,
and the land belongs only to the sky.
I want to feel the sun on me like the first man on earth, and the last.
Have you ever felt as small as an atom? As short as the flash of lightening?
Would you think it possible?
As soon as our eyes turn away, the magic starts.
I know I may never catch it
But that is why it is the greatest challenge.
I know it's out there,
nowhere.